Here I’m collecting catch phrases, slogans and beliefs that the megacorpos might spread among their executives or workforce. They can be from the real world, a cyberpunky movie or video game, or freshly created from your own fantasy.
Let me start with two ideas of my own.
Human Resources Executives might say:
Humans are a renewable resource. We can just burn them.
This might then be advertised to the workers as something like
Be an asset, not a liability! The shareholders are counting on you!
One from Futurama was “You’re not paid to think. A mindless worker is a happy worker.”
We take security incredibly seriously…
Your feedback is valuable to us.
This years model is the best version we have ever produced!
Each purchase comes with one year of free access to our mandatory cloud environment. After that, you can continue using your product for a low monthly fee, or upgrade to the new model to take advantage of another free year of service with your new purchase.
What do you think? Too real?
Our Core Values are part of our company’s DNA and define who we are and everything we do.
Don’t be evil.
We will never share your private data with anyone.
We have implemented 2FA to make your account extra-secure! SMS and email are currently supported, and we’re looking into supporting authenticator apps (such as Google, Microsoft, 1Password) in the future.
When you ask us to delete your PII data, it is deleted.
We’re a family here! You don’t need union representatives to fight for your rights, we just give them to you because you’re a member of the family.
We have an open-door policy with HR to allow free and open communication, regardless of position.
And my personal favorite from way back in the day:
“When you download music from the internet, you’re downloading COMMUNISM!”
Open door policy with HR you can leave anytime and HR can fire you anytime as well
We have that in some states in the US. It’s called “work at will,” and it’s painted as a convenience to the worker, but it pretty much exists to let the employer terminate people for any/no reason with no notice.
Nobody wants to work anymore, am i right?
At-will employment aside, this policy is supposed to indicate that anyone can come to HR with any personnel issues and get them resolved with no fear of reprisals. Ideally, it’s to report mismanagement activities or HR violations that create a hostile workplace environment.
But anyone that has attempted to take advantage of this policy knows that it’s much more likely for the reporter to experience the blowback and be the one to get canned.
It’s a complete crock of shit.